Feeling Older. Day 21.

Good morning, bluebirds!

It’s been three weeks since I left Missoula…since I started a journey of intense self-love and cleansing. All I can say right now is that I feel more true, more happy, more healthy, and more able to just be without self-judgment or fear of being judged by others. I feel loved in a way that is sustainable and shows promise of being that way for a long time. I feel enlightened with opportunity. I am excited to move back to Montana this weekend, and I am giddy with the thought of romping around with my dog and seeing my beau—this time with a new intention in mind. I am excited to live in a new and beautiful home, to meet new people, and to visit the home I left three weeks ago. I am running faster than I ever have been able to. I am writing more. I am laughing more. I am comfortable sitting with myself for a long time. I have been meditating more. I want to grow a garden.

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And, right now, sitting in southern Utah and editing with coffee in hand and the sunrise tiptoeing over the jagged, vermillion horizon, I have made a few realizations; I feel they come from a place of clarity and purity that I can usually only see from the tippy tops of mountains or deep in the depths of desert:

Nothing is more important than keeping yourself healthy and happy. And second to the importance of that is loving others in a true and authentic way…a way that doesn’t diverge or waver from a straight path of honesty, openness, and caring. You do what you have to do for the people you love. You are loyal. You are honest. You are healthy. You are passionate, but not too much. You are patient, but you are not lazy or ignorant. 

Simply put: You go the distance for yourself and for the people you love. Yourself. Your family. Your lover. Your friends.

It’s never too late to open up, to save your own life, to save someone else’s life. To figure things out. To grow, learn. To be kind to yourself, dear.

I mean, it took these cliffs millions of years. Today I feel older, wiser, smarter, happier than I did three weeks ago.

I am happy. In love. Alive.

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3 thoughts on “Feeling Older. Day 21.

  1. Interesting how some things just fall out of the sky into one’s lap at that precise moment of slight imbalance. May whatever bridges have burned behind you continue to light your way. Thank you..

  2. A long time ago I commented on your Elephant Journal post. I used to work as a hotshot crew…for the majority of my twenties. I quit fire after my mother committed suicide nearly four years ago. I’m now back in school and writing what I love.
    So much of your writing reminds me of myself…but you’re more together, and way cool. It is such a difficult thing to be a woman on a hotshot crew, where it can feel like what you do is continually scrutinized. I didn’t realize how hard it was until I had a lot of distance.
    Anyways, this note is to say that I think you’re doing a great job at life. Your writing is beautiful, you are an awesome individual, and you’ve got so much greatness ahead of you. If there’s any way that can support you, even as a connection of an ex-female hotshot, please let me know!

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